Monday, April 20, 2009
Cruel but Not Unusual
The CIA and all Federal Law Enforcement agencies have been directed by the BHO administration to stop using Enhanced Interrogation Techniques (EIT) on detainees of all persuasions. O.K., but what is law enforcement to do when the "ticking time bomb" scenario eventually happens? Surely it will happen, won't it? It happens every week on "24" and life imitates art. If it didn't we would have no rational explanation for Paris Hilton.
I have some suggestions for Innovative Interrogation Techniques (IIT) to replace the discredited EITs. While none of my ideas have been vetted regarding legality, I have e-mailed these ideas to David Addington, John Yoo, Jay Bybee and Perry Mason for their expert legal opinions. Given their enthusiasm regarding EIT--with the possible exception of Mason, who I understand may be fictitious or possibly dead--I expect full approval for these new techniques.
INHUMANE CONFINEMENT. A suspected terrorist will be assigned to ride around in a four-year old Lexus 400 with a 45+ year-old real estate pro who frequently pops Tic-Tacs to ward off nicotine cravings, sports reading glasses (dangling handily from a beaded chain) and who applies great splashes of cologne each morning. The sole purpose of the activity will be to tour every foreclosed property taken back in the sub-prime mortgage meltdown. The real estate pro will refer to all foreclosed houses as either a "golden opportunity' or a "diamond in the rough" and remark that each would be "just marvelous for the suspect and all his wives". The constant search through the tiny MLS listings and treks through vacant McMansions will have no foreseeable end point nor goal; it will just be the shopping process including the relentlessly chirpy sales patter used to break down resistance. The confinement ends when valuable terrorist information is forthcoming or he agrees to buy one or more of the properties for cash, in which case the feds can then follow the money back to the terrorist's sleeper cell.
WAGNER BOARDING. The suspect will be placed, head down, on an incline board, wearing an After Six tuxedo--one size too small--with a terry towel placed comfortably across his eyes and mouth. Then, at reasonable decibels, the entire Richard "Dyck" Wagner catalog of operas will be played, from "Die Feen" through "Parsifal".The suspect will be allowed bathroom breaks but only between entire performances, the completions of which are signaled with an aria from a fat lady. As stated, the entire list of Wagner operas--most of which start with the words "Der", "Das" or "Die" as in "Die Hard", which, I'm advised, is not a Wagner product--will be presented and then repeated ad infinitum until sufficient information is forthcoming. There will be special emphasis on performances of "Das Liebesverbot" and "Die Valkure" as performed by the all volunteer Des Moines Civic Opera Company. Food will be provided by a Jewish deli but the suspect will have no choices from the menu and will dine on a constant parade of liverwurst, tongue and scrambled brain on rye sandwiches. This technique could prove to be the fastest method of information extraction as many suspects will likely break during the tux fitting.
FEAR OF FLYING. This particularly diabolic technique is also ironic, given terrorists' use of aircraft in their most deadly tactic. This technique requires (1) Three rows of five-across tourist class airline seats, all occupied. (2) The middle seat of the middle row is reserved for the suspect. (3) Two morbidly obese agents will occupy the seats on either side of the suspect and both will constantly nosh on highly seasoned sandwiches bought from airport vendors (the suspect will get airline food at odd times of the day and night, just as in actual air travel). (4) A 6'5" agent with chronic dandruff will occupy the seat directly in front of the suspect and the agent will keep his or her seat back fully reclined at all times. (5) In the seat directly behind the suspect, an agent will hold a squirmy three-year old on his or her lap; a child raised by the theory that any discipline will permanently scar the child's self esteem. The child will be allowed to scream incessantly, especially when the snippy flight attendants (once again, disguised agents) drop by to pacify the child with a nearly worthless plastic "Captain's Wings" pin. Repeated kicking of the back of the suspect's seat by the child will be discouraged, as suggested in the Geneva Conventions, but not prohibited. (6) Bathroom breaks will be allowed as needed but only when the "Fasten Seat Belt" sign is not illuminated and even then, there will always be a line. In keeping with routine airline policy, the "coach" suspect will not have access to the vacant Business Class lavatory. Estimates are that solid information will be obtained during the equivalent time it takes to fly from JFK to Heathrow.
These are three techniques that I have fully developed and should provide a solid platform for for effective interrogations. I am working on several others, still in their formative stages. These include: THE SENSELESS COMMUNICATION LOOP, involving customer service operators in Lahore and Mumbai, HOPE ABANDONMENT, simulating wait-times and staff interactions at the Department of Motor Vehicles and SOUL EROSION, a technique that creatively uses C-SPAN broadcasts.
Should you have a favorite Innovative Interrogation Technique, please send it and, if considered potentially effective, I will share it with my following of innocent readers and the appropriate authorities.
Observoid of the Day: Never do it just for the money unless, of course, you really need the money.